


No Looking Back

by petersgirl



Category: Original Work
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-15 10:59:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4604196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petersgirl/pseuds/petersgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tragedy sends Michael on a path he feels is unchangeable. You can be in a room full of people and still be alone when you never truly let anyone in. With what happened always on his mind and when no one will let you forget; there is no future in living in the past. You can't progress forward if you're always looking back. One person believing you in can make all the difference. Until he gets right with himself, nothing will ever change.</p>
<p>I am writing this story with my husband Peter!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feels So Familar

My cell phone was going off. Rolling over looking at the clock; it was 2:oo am. So I feared the worst with my ex-wife calling.   
  
"What's wrong? Is Gabe okay?"   
  
"He's fine Michael. Your brother called the house and..."   
  
"I don't care what he wants. I'm going back to sleep now."   
  
"Please don't hang up on me again."   
  
"I've already told you. If it's not about our son, we have nothing left to talk about. So leave me..."  
  
"Your mother had a heart attack. They don't think she is going to make it."   
  
A decision had to be made. For twelve years I avoided calling my brother, the letters and pictures he sent and most of all any thoughts of my family I left behind. It must have taken ten minutes for me to completely dial Joseph's phone number.  
  
"I can't believe you called me back. It's good to hear your voice brother."  
  
 "How's Mom?"   
  
"She hasn't woken up yet. They aren't sure if she will or not. You need to come home Michael."   
  
"I'm not sure I can. It's just not a good time."   
  
"When is a good time for you? Stop with the bullshit excuses. She's your mother too. If you don't care anymore than that, then there is nothing I can say or do to make you. But if you don't and something happens to her; it's you who has to live with it."   
  
"I've already got a full conscious of things I have to live with."   
  
"Do you really think it's the way he would want you to feel? Or any of them for that matter? It was an accident. You didn't do it. When are you going to quit punishing yourself?"   
  
"I've gotta go."   
  
"Are you coming?"   
  
"I'm not sure yet."  
  
After I hung up I couldn't go back to sleep. My one bedroom apartment felt so empty and quiet. The quiet was the worst part of being alone. It was when my mind would wander the most. I flipped through the channels until it was time for me to go to work. It wasn't the best job in the world and it barely paid the rent. But it kept me busy and liked working with my hands.   
  
When you go from having money and a family to having nothing; it greatly changed your outlook on life a lot. My outlook got changed a lot for me on a constant basis. Standing in line to punch the time clock. I knew I should go and since I never missed work they probably wouldn't say I couldn't.   
  
A friend of mine got me the job working for him after I lost my business. It wasn't the business that shattered my world, it was when I lost her and my son. Along with my best friend and partner. We built it from the ground up. The business was our baby we put everything we had in it. He bought me out because there was no way in hell we could work together again. Life showed me many times there wasn't such a thing as pure love and anyone I could truly count on to be true.  
  
As soon as I started on the assembly line, I was pulled off of it.   
  
"Michael come to my office."   
  
"What's going on?"   
  
"Robin called me. What in the hell are you doing here man? You need to be with your family."  
  
"She had no right to do that. I haven't decided if I'm going or not. I have a lot of work to do."   
  
"Your job will be here when you get back. If I had more employees like you, I would be a millionaire. You're always early, never miss and do more than your quota everyday. I am telling you as your boss and friend, get the hell out of here and go."   
  
He tried to be a good friend to me. It was where the line ended of the friendship that worried me. Time taught me to proceed with caution. Life taught me the time would come so don't put yourself out there for it. He offered me a place to stay when I didn't have one, wanted to give me money when I couldn't eat and lent an ear for me to bend. I took him up on none of those things. Except for the job which I earned through the loyalty I had shown.   
  
"It's not up for debate Michael. Go already."   
  
 "Thanks man. I should be back in a few days."   
  
"If you need more time than that, just let me know."   
  
The decision was made, I was going, I guess. I packed a bag. It wasn't like I needed much I didn't plan on being there for very long. When I counted my stash money; I was right back where I started eighteen years ago with six hundred dollars in my pocket.   
  
Robin didn't answer her cell so I could say goodbye to Gabe before I left. I hated the thought of going over there. I always met her in public every other weekend so I could pickup and drop off my son.   
  
Breaking the golden rule I started driving in that direction. I called again but, still no answer. Taking in a long breath before I pulled into the driveway. All I could think was, I built a home for them. With my own two hands I handled each piece of lumber with love and care to make sure it was perfect. It was no more than a house now to me.    
  
The sun room in back was for my loving wife who was surprised I done it just for her. We had big hopes and dreams back then. It was the first time I dreamed of life beyond the day I was living in. It would be the last time too.   
  
Sitting in my truck hoping they would notice I was out here, of course they didn't. It was another test I would be put through, I had to go up to the door I used to pass through daily. I could be nice, I told myself repeatedly as I got out.   
  
Passing by the wooden flower bed that stretched in front of the entire front of the house.

_"It's beautiful Michael. We can sit out on the front porch when we get old in our rocking chairs. The flowers will keep blooming bigger and brighter each year just like our love."_   
  
"What a crock of shit."   
  
After seeing who answered the door, there was no doubt why she wasn't answering her cell. He stood in front of me without a shirt on. A young muscled up guy was playing house with my family.   
  
"Where's Robin?"   
  
"I didn't know you were coming." She closed the door quickly behind her. She knew by the look on my face I was pissed.   
  
"What, fucking my boss wasn't enough for you? Wasn't that kid our paper boy a few months ago? Did he ride his bicycle over here to see you?"   
  
"What I do Michael, is no longer your business. I wanted to make amends but, you wouldn't let it go. After a year went by, I moved on with my life."   
  
"It seemed to work the same way when we were married too. I didn't get a vote in you going behind my back screwing him and making me lose my job."   
  
"I didn't make you do anything. I never told you to assault him."   
  
"How did you think I was going to react when I find you in my bed with another man? You're damn lucky I didn't beat the hell out of you too. But I loved you too much for that. I didn't come here to argue with you. I want to see my son before I leave."  
  
"Loved?"   
  
Gabe saved me from another bad trip down memory lane with her. "Daddy."   
  
"Hey buddy."   
  
"Why can't I go with you?"   
  
"Because you wouldn't like very much where I grew up. Besides you need to stay here and take care of mommy for me. I'll call you when I get there, I promise."   
  
"But I can keep you company on the trip. We can talk about my new baseball cards I got. When do I get to meet my grandma and grandpa?"   
  
"Soon buddy."   
  
Which the truth was he probably never would meet them. They didn't exactly welcome strangers into their life with open arms. At least not my dad anyway. My going back was bad enough. It was something I didn't want my son to be punished for, my past sins. I suffered enough in silence.   
  
As I pulled out of what once was my driveway, I seen them standing there together. It used to be a happy sight to watch my family as I left to go to work. Now all it did was rip my heart out each time I came over here.   
  
Robin got everything. The house, most of the money and my son. I traded it all for joint custody of him. I didn't fight her on anything. Hell I couldn't bring myself to show up for court to make the divorce final.  I took the chicken way out, spent the next six months after wallowing in self pity. Since then there was nothing left to talk about with us. She moved on with her life and I still lived in hell.   
  
The only thing in my life I knew would never change was my son. The first time I held him in my arms, I inhaled new life and what it held for us. I could  honestly say we were happy together back then.   
  
As I drove every scenario I ran through my head with my dad ended up the same way, badly. He would never forgive me or be like the father I wanted to have. Being the oldest he was always harder on me and I got why. But his love for me was different from what it was for my other brothers. The last words he spoke to me, I would never forget or get past. _"God took the wrong son. Gabriel is gone and he left you here."_   
   
Only being eighteen years old I had no idea what life was like beyond high school and Friday night. It didn't take me long to find out though. With six hundred dollars in my pocket, I left the day after I graduated and never went back.   
  
Hours had passed by. There was only about four more hours to go before I would be there. Visiting hours would be over and no way in hell I would go to the house. I found a little shit hole to check into for the night. I would finish the drive in the morning. Sure I was prolonging it as long as I could.    
  
Food didn't appeal to me at the moment. A bar was across the street from where I was staying. It was late and full of people getting drunk, trying to hook up and some just drinking their problems away. I grabbed a stool at the bar.   
  
"What can I get for you?"   
  
"A shot of your best whiskey."   
  
As he poured it in a shot glass, I could smell the familiar aroma I used to love. Running my finger around the top of glass, I finally picked it up. Holding it under my nose, it was just like I remembered, wonderful. It always went down so easily and smooth.   
  
"Hey there."   
  
"Hey."   
  
"You're not from around here are you?"   
  
"Nope. Just passing through."   
  
"You look like you could use a friend." She leaned on to my arm when she said it. Making sure to rub her boobs up on me.   
  
"I don't think I would be very good company."   
  
"Why don't you let me decide that cowboy. How about a dance with me?"   
  
"I don't dance. But thanks anyway."   
  
Taking in one more whiff of the magic elixir that would help me forget, before I put it back down on the bar. Staring at the full glass as I shoved it away from me. I tossed a twenty up on the bar.   
  
"Have a drink on me."   
  
It should have ended there. Of course it didn't. She obviously had a man with her. He didn't like her actions anymore than I would have liked a woman doing it to me.   
  
"That's my girlfriend mister."   
  
"I'm sorry to hear that."   
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don't fuck with another man's old lady."   
  
"Trust me, I wouldn't have fucked her."   
  
Just simply trying to walk away without a fight. Because she was nothing I would choose to fight over. It was the guy I felt for. He was too blind or dumb to realize she was a heart break waiting to happen.   
  
It wasn't just him who followed me outside, it was his buddies too. Trouble was brewing on the horizon because of a woman. It was like a bad cliche in an old movie. The man falls in love, then the woman falls out of it and finds the next one to move on to. The biggest ruination to man known, love.   
  
"You need to be taught some manners mister."   
  
"You need to wise up dumb ass. We can stand here beating the hell out of each other and it won't make her love you anymore. She will be doing the exact same thing tomorrow night."   
  
He chose the hard way of beating the hell out of each other. I wasn't going to back down. We punched each other a couple of time before the bartender came out with his shotgun. He fired a round and made us break it up.   
  
Sure it hurts to get hit but when they hit you in heart is when you don't recover from it. My room and bed was all I wanted right now. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror to clean up my face, it was a man I no longer recognized. Maybe I never really did.  
  
Turning the light out, I needed sleep. It wasn't something I did a lot of these days. I would sleep for a few hours then be up the rest of the night. I kept reliving it in my head over and over. When I woke it was always the same. A cold sweat covered my body. Thinking about the lives I had taken at such an early age. What they would have been when they grew up? What great things they were destined for? How much I hurt their families they left behind?   
  
Tonight was no different. After a three hours I was wide awake staring up at the ceiling. I finally decided to hit the road and just suck it up. The sooner I got there, the sooner I could leave.   
  
When I passed the city limit sign, I was here. No going back now. As I crossed over the bridge the wind shifted and a cold blast of air came through the vent. I shook for many reasons. Until I had to pull over. Parking my old truck just on the other side of the bridge.   
  
There was some wild purple flowers growing on the side of the road. I picked a handful of them. With each step I took on the bridge I tried to remember something about him. The good times we had together growing up, how much I loved my brother and how much I missed him.   
  
Letting them fall from my hand one at time down into the water. "I think about you everyday bro. You don't know how sorry I am for what I done."   
  
Wiping my face I had to leave. Before I took the plunge into the water for the fate I should have received so many years ago. It should have been me six feet under, not him. My punishment was living. Lately I wasn't even doing much of it.   
  
Just wanting to get to the hospital to see Mom and get the fuck out of here. It was early in the morning and hopeful no one would be there yet. I could spend sometime with her and slip away from here once again.   
  
Only it didn't work out like that for me. Did I really expect it to, hell no. But I was hopeful until I came face to face with the person who hated me the most.   
  
"Dad."  
  
"Well if isn't mister pill popping rock star. You haven't cared about your mama or this family in years. So I don't know why you're here now."  
  
"It's not that I didn't care. I..."  
  
"You're dead to me. I lost two sons that day."   
  
**I hope you enjoyed reading us!**   
  
**My wonderful husband and I are doing this story together. It is fun seeing what exciting things he wants to add to this.**


	2. Through the Rearview Mirror

"I see nothing changes with you does it? You're still as bitter as always. I'm here to see Mom, not you."   
  
"Before you say another word, you might want to remember who in the hell you are talking to. I worked my life away to put a roof over your heads. I feed and clothed you for eighteen years."   
  
"And you think that's all it takes to make you a good father?"   
  
"Enough. It's too early in the morning for this. I'm glad you're here honey." My aunt gave me a kiss on the cheek. With a little scoff he walked away.   
  
"Maybe I shouldn't have come here?"   
  
"Do you know how heart-broken your mother was when you left? She has worried herself to death over you. Ignore your father, I always do. Go see her."   
  
The door was the only thing standing between us. I must have reached my hand out five or six times before finally turning the knob. The woman I seen laying in the bed wasn't the mother I remembered when I left. She had aged so much with gray hair. She looked so fragile with the wires and tubes hooked up to her so she could take in another breath.  
  
Pulling a chair beside her bed. All my happy childhood memories had her or my brother in them. I took her small wrinkled hand in mine. _"You're my little sunshine Michael and always will be. I'm grateful God spared you. Your life has a purpose here, it was your destiny to survive. Even if you don't see it yet. Gabriel is with him and the angels now. The only comfort I get is knowing he left you and Joseph here with me. Your father loves you, he just doesn't always know how to show it."_   
  
There was no one on the face of the earth who could lift you up so high or slap you down like your mama could. When I would get in trouble the worst part was the disappointed look on her face. She was a saint in my eyes and deserved more from life. She kept the faith in two men I couldn't believe in; god and my father.    
  
A hand rested on my shoulder. I could tell by the perfume it was my aunt. "She needs some flowers to spruce up the room. Why don't you go with Debra to get them?"   
  
He walked in behind her and she gave me a way out with dignity. Sure it was just an excuse. But at least he didn't run me off. It was one of the things I loved about my aunt, her free spirit and charm. Her and Mom were worlds apart for being sisters. Also she wasn't a bit afraid to butt heads with the old man.   
  
After so many years, I didn't think I would recognize my cousin. But hell I was thankful there wasn't two of her walking around here. She grew up from the girl I once knew, just an older version of it. By the time I left, she had married with a kid already. We both couldn't wait to get the hell out of this town. She started walking to the elevators flipping her long brown hair around. Just like I remembered her doing.  
  
"Do you need a personal invitation or what? Lets go already."   
  
A car seat and booster chair was in the back of her car. A diaper bag and toys were thrown back there too.   
  
"Did your wife and son come with you?"   
  
"No."   
  
She grabbed the sippy cup from the cup holder and took a swig.   
  
"Do you always drink from it?"   
  
"Oh no, I was in a hurry this morning. It's mostly vodka mixed with tang. Want some?"   
  
"It's eight in the morning."   
  
"Don't judge me Michael. My life isn't exactly perfect. I work with what I have."   
  
If she thought her life was bad, we wouldn't even talk about mine. There wasn't really anymore discussing much on the way. She drove crazy and I held on. Why the hell we had to go over to the next town to get flowers, was beyond me. She didn't ask my opinion or what I wanted to get. She picked out a bouquet and was back in the car before I made it out the door.   
  
"Sorry, I'm used to keeping up with the kids. You have got to be quick."   
  
"How many kids do you have?"   
  
"Three girls. I have a fourteen year old, ten-year old and my baby is two. How old is your son?"   
  
"Gabe is seven."   
  
"Joseph showed us pictures of him, he's cute. He looks like you." Robin must have sent him pictures at some point without telling me. She had done a lot of things over the years without telling me.   
  
"A lot of things have changed around here since you left."   
  
"A lot of shit stayed the same."   
  
"Are you always this angry?"   
  
"What are you talking about? I didn't say anything."   
  
"It's not what you say, it's the way you say it Michael. I can hear the sadness in your voice along with the sharp tongue you speak with. No one can miss the sorrow you carry in your eyes."   
  
We used to be close when we were younger. I spent a lot of time at her house to get away from him. Our plan was to move to a big city and become rich. It seemed as though we both didn't make it. After it happened, nothing went in my life as I had planned.   
  
She parked the car and I had to decide to go back in or not. "I'll catch you later Debra."   
  
"Where are you going?"   
  
"To find a place to stay. I'll come back to see Mom later."   
  
"If you run now. You will be running from him forever."   
  
"I'm not running from him."   
  
"Yes you are."   
  
"Hey."   
  
The small boy we used to tease the hell out of and sometimes played a little too rough with was a grown man. He resembled Gabriel so much I was a little stunned by it. I kept opening up my mouth but nothing came out of it.   
  
"It's so good to see you." He went to hug me and I  moved back from him.   
  
"We're brothers Michael." I would have been hurt with someone displaying those actions towards me as well. It wasn't intentional, it was more a defense mechanism. I didn't like people touching me. I should be ashamed to push him away however, I couldn't be.   
  
"You're all grown up now kid."   
  
"Have you seen Mom yet?"   
  
"I seen her for a few minutes and went with Debra to get some flowers for her."   
  
Joseph made small talk about nothing. He didn't know anymore to say to me than I did him. It was mostly my fault I was sure. He even offered me a place to stay with him and his wife while I was here. I declined. Lets face it, this wasn't a happy family reunion. There was no need to pretend we would get close after this and I would make another visit.   
  
Then came the hard part, going back in Mom's room and being around him again. Joseph hugged him before he went and set down on the bed beside her. At least I knew the kid was accepted by the old man.   
  
"I think I will come back later this afternoon. I'll see you guys later."  
  
Before I made it to my truck Debra was yelling for me. "Come stay with me and Mom."   
  
"No thanks. I'll get a room somewhere."   
  
"Michael we know about your divorce. Stop being pig headed and just stay with us. We have plenty of room."   
  
"How do you know?"   
  
"Robin wrote Joseph all the time. It doesn't really matter. You need to have family around you." Just one more thin to add to the long list of activities she did, I knew nothing about.   
  
That was where Debra was wrong. I didn't need my family to survive. My son was the only one who made my world go around. I finally accepted to get her to go away. There was something I had to do alone.   
  
As I drove through town the streets were getting full of people walking around together on a Saturday morning. There wasn't a lot of stores or places to go here. Blink and you missed Main Street. Kids were out riding their bicycles and messing around. We thought we were as cool as shit when we would ride around town causing havoc.    
  
Then I passed by my old house. The flowers were in full bloom and the yard was cut to perfection just like always. There were specific rules of cutting the grass and if you didn't follow them, it was an hour long lecture from the old man. The fucking grass continued to grow no matter how in the hell you cut was always my argument. I turned around, I figured he would be busy and would never know I was here.   
  
The tire swing was still hanging in the big tree in the front yard. We played on that damn thing for hours at a time.  The fence was latched leading to the back yard. The rose bushes gave off the fragrance I smelled every time I walked by them as a kid. Mom nourished them just like her children.  
  
It was still in perfect condition as I climbed up the ladder to our old tree house. The hand painted sign had faded over the years from the sun but was still hanging on the front door; no girls allowed. We done it because Debra started bringing in her dolls and wanted to hang up curtains. She was really pissed and hurt by it. _"I don't want to play with you boys anymore. You won't get any of my cookies either because I'm telling my Mommy."_   
  
Later on the tree house was a place we hung out to drink and smoke weed away from our parents. When Mom would think there was a strange smell coming from it; Debra would tell her we were burning sage to get rid of the demon spirits. I hadn't touched booze or drugs for twelve years now.   
  
The plastic school box was still setting in the corner. It smelled musty when I opened it up. It was full of little green army men. We wore our helmets and used our walkie talkies while we played war. I took a handful of them. The old pocket knife was sort of rusty but I took it too.   
  
_"Give me your hand Gabriel."_   
  
_"I don't know why we have to do this Michael, we're already brothers. It doesn't make any sense to me."_   
  
_"Now we are blood brothers too. By sealing it in blood nothing will ever separate us."_   
  
_"We will be separated by nothing except death."_   
  
We were young and at the time I didn't realize we were already blood. I had to get out of here. I didn't want to be around when the old man got back. More so, I had to leave for my well being.   
  
The old dirt road kicked up a ton of dust as I drove down it. It was one of the things I actually missed about living in a small town. There was nowhere to go to be alone in the big city. They were over populated with people up your ass all the time.   
  
A big oak tree was the marker I was looking for. I knew he was near it. Mom insisted it be his final resting place as much as we enjoyed the one with our tree house at home.   
  
_"Today we're gathered here to mourn the loss of Gabriel David Petree. His young life was cut short at the age of sixteen. Gabriel's family has been a member of my church for years. I had the pleasure of watching him and his brothers grow up."_   
  
You would think since so much time had passed by, It wouldn't hit me so hard like I just lived it yesterday. I took in a couple of deep breaths before I could take anymore steps.   
  
_"This passage was picked out by Gabriel's mother.  Corinthians, 4:16, So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."_   
  
Pulling up the weeds around his head stone. The words didn't come to me. There was always so much I wanted to say. Now that I was here, I went blank. I set a few of the army men on top of his stone.  Placing them like we did when we were kids.   
  
"I miss you so much."   
  
Was the only thing I could manage to choke out before setting down on the ground. If a man cried he was considered weak by my father. Hell I wept as a small child would have. Was I weak? Yeah, I was.   
  
"I'll come back to see you before I leave, I promise."   
  
It only made me feel worse by coming to the cemetery. Maybe it was the purpose of it. I walked by a couple of the other's stones on the way back to the truck. In my state of mind, this was no longer the place for me to be at.   
  
So I done what I always did, leave. As I drove around the country side I tried to have thoughts of good things. When I got myself under control again I went to my aunt's house.   
  
They were setting around the kitchen table with pictures scattered all over it.   
  
"This is one of my favorites." She handed me an old picture with two beautiful girls in it. They had on short shorts and their tops tied up showing off the midriff.   
  
"Who is this?"   
  
"It's me and your mother. We had so much fun with one another growing up. This one is of your dad and her."   
  
"They actually look happy together."  
  
"Oh yeah they really were, he was so much in love with her. Your grandpa threaten him several times to stay away from her. But he wouldn't do it. He wrote her love poems he would slip under the front door when Daddy wasn't home. One night he carried a ladder almost two miles to climb up to our bedroom window to steal a kiss from her."   
  
"Are we taking about the same man? Could it have been another boyfriend of hers maybe?"   
  
"They had a life before they were parents. We all change as we get older. Some of it is we take things for granted that we have been given. Other times we just get tired and to weary to express how much we love someone in the right way. When you have been together for as many years as they have, a comfortable silence means just as much. See that's why my last husband, I married for stature instead of love."   
  
"Stature?"   
  
"Yes honey, it's my polite way of saying his penis size. The man was hung like a horse and could go for hours."   
  
"Mom. Please, I do not want to hear about how big my step father's dong was."   
  
"It's a fact of life Debra. I...I...I..."  She grabbed a hold of the table and seemed to be laboring to take a breath.   
  
"Are you okay Aunt Gene?"   
  
"I..I must have forgotten what I was going to say. I'm going to lay down for a bit. I feel so tired."   
  
"Do you need anything Mom?"   
  
"No honey I'm fine."   
  
"Is she really okay?"   
  
"Mom is in the early stages of alzheimer's. She doesn't want anyone to know. The episodes only happen a few times a month but it will get worse. She gets confused easily sometimes. It's one of the reasons me and the girls moved in here. Well, that and I didn't have anywhere else to go after my divorce."   
  
"I know the feeling of having nowhere to go."  
  
"How did you find out? I found out when I went to surprise my husband on a business trip. I thought I could rekindle the flame. Only I was the one surprised to find him diddling his secretary. Who is almost half my age by the way."   
  
"It doesn't matter how I found out. Robin betrayed me and had been for almost a year before I knew it."   
  
"She was sleeping around for almost a year and you never noticed? So how much in love with her could you really have been?"  
  
"If I knew, I would have done things differently."   
  
"You missed the signs Michael."  
  
"What damn signs? There was no sign of her ripping my heart out and pissing on it."   
  
"Trust me, the signs were there and you missed them. I ignored mine. I kept telling myself, more trying to convince myself I think, he still loved me. We see where that shit got me."   
  
The future wasn't something that just happened by chance. It would steam roll you if you weren't paying attention. Apparently I wasn't. If it was something good coming your way it was considered a blessing, your destiny. When the bad sneaks up on you, I didn't know what the hell to call it but just another one of life's many disappointments.   
  
"Can I bum a smoke?"   
  
"Sure, help yourself."   
  
The deck off the kitchen was nice. They had a sitting area with furniture and a can of sand for the cigarett butts. I noticed there were other brands in the can besides Debra's.   
  
Rolling the smoke between my fingers. I hadn't held one for years. Sticking it between my lips, before I lit it up. The first inhale was a long lost friend coming home. My tongue felt the tingling sensation it missed. I swore off any substance long ago. Anything that was a pleasure to me, became forbidden.   
  
With the kitchen door cracked it wasn't hard to overhear the argument Debra was having with her daughter.   
  
"I hate it here. Why do I have to be punished because you couldn't keep Dad happy? He's not coming to see me because of you."   
  
"I'm sorry he's busy and I'm sorry you feel living here with me is a punishment."   
  
"You don't care about me. You're drunk all the time. Why can't I live with Dad?"   
  
"I do the best I can Rory."   
  
"Well if this is your best, you suck at it."   
  
"It's your father calling again, I have to take this. We will talk about it later."   
  
"Whatever."   
  
The girl slammed the sliding glass door shut when she came out.  It was no longer a mystery who else smoked in this house when she lit up.   
  
"Aren't you a little young to be smoking?"   
  
"Aren't you a little old to be getting in my business?"   
  
A car drove by very slowly. A smile crossed the girl's face. She took off walking down the street. I went out to see where she was going. She hopped in the car with the boy. This kid was going down a road of destruction. It was the same one I already destroyed my life with.   
  
"Did you know where Rory went?"   
  
"She left."   
  
"Do you know what we need?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Some fun. Lets get out of here. I'll have Mom watch the kids."   
  
"I don't think I will be much fun. We should probably just stay here."   
  
"Oh come on. When is the last time you went out or even got laid for that matter?"   
  
"Women are not in my vocabulary anymore."   
  
"You're at the bang a ho phase."   
  
"What?"   
  
"You bang a ho, any ho. Since you evened the score with your wife, you forgive her. Then live happily ever after."   
  
"It's not that simple."   
  
"With you nothing ever is. You like things wrapped up in a neat little package. I bet you planned out your whole life with your wife. But you can't live life out on a piece of paper."   
  
"Why don't you do it with your ex then?"   
  
"I would if he cared. He likes the single night life. Those dumb bimbos don't nag him about mowing the lawn or picking up his clothes off the floor. He's searching for youth with them he will never find. The saddest part is when he left me, he left his children behind too. I make excuses for him so they don't know. He always promises he will come to visit them, then something comes up and he never comes. I make a point to ask if it's a blonde, redhead or brunette that suddenly came up."   
  
"My life is filled with nothing but a teenager with an attitude, shitty diapers and disappointment. I need a night out to just be me. Let my hair down and have a few drinks."   
  
"I don't drink."   
  
"Good. Then you can drive my happy drunk ass around."   
  
It was a bad idea. But I went along with it for her sake. I figured she could have a few drinks then I would take her home. She was having a good time getting a little on the loud side while I sipped on a Coke. There were plenty of times in my life, I would have given anything to forget. Even if it was a short lived period. When they walked in the fun and games were over.   
  
"We need to go Debra."   
  
"What the hell are you doing back here? How can you have the balls to show your face after what you did?"   
  
"I'm just here to see my mother. Then I'm leaving."   
  
He picked up my glass of Coke from the table and poured it out on the floor. "I'll save Debra from the same fate, maybe you won't kill her on the way home. What do you have to say about that superstar?"   
  
"I wasn't thirsty anyway. I don't have anything to say about it. We should go now Debra."  
  
It was a sucker punch to the face when I went to get up. He wanted me to fight back, I had no fight left in me. I wouldn't lash out no matter what he done to me.    
  
"I see you're still a pussy Michael. My brother is dead. But I'm not and can fight back."   
  
"I'm not going to fight you man."   
  
After another punch I took, I was starting to get pissed off. It was time to drag her drunk ass out of here before shit got out of hand.   
  
"That's not nice, shut up. It was an accident. Michael is not to blame."   
  
"I don't need some middle age bitch walking in here and telling me how I should feel or act."   
  
I almost had her to the door when he said that. She jerked loose from me and it was gonna be trouble. If I wanted it or not.   
  
"What did you call me?"   
  
"Bitch."  
  
"No, before that."   
  
"Middle aged bitch."   
  
"Yeah, that was it."   
  
Drunk Debra gave him a good right cross to the jaw. He covered his mouth because she must have hurt him.   
  
"That was a princess cut diamond bitch. And there's more where it came from."    
  
He went to hit her back when I caught his fist in my hand. "Your problem is with me, not her. I don't want to fight you. This won't bring them back. I'm a worthless piece of shit, is that what you wanna hear.  Because I will agree with you full heartedly. There is not a day goes by, I wouldn't take their place if I could."   
  
"It is best if you both leave my bar and don't come back here. I'm sorry to hear about your mama but there will be trouble if you do." The old man used to close this same bar down many years ago. I guess the love relationship with them was over too.   
  
"You can run superstar but you can't hide from us. The wisest thing you can do is run away like you always do and don't show your face here again. Consider this your only warning."   
  
Debra had always been handful. Tonight was no different. She was using some very colorful cuss words while I was dragging her out of the bar.   
  
"I can't believe you took that shit from them."   
  
"I deserved it for what I've done. At least he got it out. I don't want them to escalate it anymore than it already has."   
  
"I don't think you realize the backwoods retards you're dealing with. They drive around in the big four wheel drive truck,  flying the confederate flag. Talking about the cause they are fighting and willing to die for. I have no fucking clue what cause they are even talking about."   
  
"I didn't say he wasn't retarded. I said he has the right to feel the way he does. I can't say I would be any different. You don't know until you're put into the situation, how you will react to it."   
  
"You're a nicer person Michael than I am. Because I would have kicked his ass."   
  
"I'm not a nice person. Or good for that matter. We should get you home so you can pass out."   
  
The ride home was the way I liked it, quiet. Until we got there anyway. After I finally got her inside and up the stairs, I went out on the deck to have another smoke. Indulging myself twice in one day felt good.   
  
Lights went out before the car pulled up to the end of the driveway. The disrespectful little fuck threw his empty beer can out on the lawn.   
  
"This isn't none of your business. Just stay out of it. Hell, who am I kidding."   
  
He was sucking her face off when I knocked on the car window. They ignored me in their moment of passion. So I beat on the son of a bitch, still nothing. Opening the car door was the only choice I had left now.   
  
"Hey man, what the hell?"   
  
"Get inside Rory."   
  
"You're not my parent and I don't have to listen to you. There is nothing you can do to me."   
  
"You're right, I'm not." It was his ass I dragged out of the car. Then slammed him on the hood.   
  
"She is fourteen years old. By looking at you, you gotta be pushing eighteen or older."   
  
"What are doing?"   
  
"Get in the fucking house Rory."   
  
"I didn't know. She said she is seventeen." He covered his face like I was gonna hit him which I was. I hit the car hood instead.   
  
"Well now you know, so don't come back here."   
  
"You have no right butting in my business. Spider is planning on taking me away from here."   
  
"His name is seriously Spider? Those are empty promises he is making you kid. When he gets board with you, he will move on."   
  
"If you want to save somebody, why don't you save yourself? They have told some interesting stories about you."   
  
"I'm sure they did. Tomorrow you will tell your mother."   
  
"Go to hell."   
  
"Gotta a newsflash for you, I'm live in it everyday already. It's the same place you're headed to. But you're still telling your mother or I will."   
  
Rory stomped up the stairs and gave me the finger.   
  
"I'm so glad we had a boy."   
  
The day would come with Gabe too. When he wanted to do something and I said no. Or as he got older and challenged my authority. For now I would just be happy being a part of his childhood.   
  
Once I heard Rory go to her room, I went to mine. Tossing and turning for a couple of hours before I finally fell asleep. It seemed like a short night when I woke up to screaming coming from downstairs.   
  
Judging from the conversation, Rory told her mother. It saved me from ratting her out.   
  
"You can't tell me what to do."   
  
"You better watch your mouth young lady. You are forbidden to see that boy anymore."   
  
More doors slammed around here than when I was still married to Robin. They were such drama queens. They can make the same point and make you feel like shit without exiting a room with a loud bang.   
  
Rory was headed down the street and I had a good idea where she was going. Then the damn car drove by slowly again. I went upstairs to get dressed because Spider had an ass whipping coming for sure this time.   
  
"Where are you going?"   
  
"To get your daughter back."   
  
His car was fast and he was stupid with the way he drove it. The little punk couldn't plead ignorance on her age no longer. It took past the edge of town to catch up with them. Where the hell he thought he was running to, I got no idea. I knew all the back road from running them as a kid.   
  
As he drove around the corner he hit something and blew a tire. The little dumbass finally pulled over when the tire came off the rim. This time it didn't matter if I was her parent or not, she was coming with me. It wasn't up for debate either why she was going home and leaving this jerk on the side of the road.   
  
"Two choices about how this ends; Rory comes with me. Or I beat your ass first then Rory comes home with me."   
  
The kid was smart enough to pick the right one. Because I would have slapped the spider web tattoo off of him. If he thought it made him tough, we could put it to the test.  
  
"Rory get out of the damn car."   
  
"I hate you."   
  
"At least you agree with everyone else on it. They hate me too."   
  
Before I turned around and headed back to town, looking back through the rearview mirror. A truck was coming up on us and quickly. With the flag flying in the wind.   
  
"Get your seat belt on Rory."  
  
"I don't have..." Screams were all that was coming out of her mouth when we got rammed from the rear.   
  
"Fuck. Not now. Anytime but fucking now."  
  
They were yelling something out the window I couldn't make out when they plowed into the side of my truck.  It jarred us around the cab as we went off to the side of road. I pushed the gas down harder and kept trying to not lose control. The old truck didn't wanna be pushed. Curves were coming at us soon, I had to make a split second decision.   
  
"Please tell me what the hell I am supposed to do?"   
  
If I stopped to fight, they could hurt Rory in so many ways. Would they leave her alive as a witness to it if I lost? The thought of what those sick bastards could do to her made me want to throw up. If we continued to run, I could end up being the one to hurt her.    
  
"I can't go through this shit again.  If you gotta take someone, please take me. Leave Rory here. She's innocent, I was just trying to save her from the same fate. This has nothing to do with her, it's between me and you."   
  
"Who are you talking to? Get us out of here Michael."  
  
Gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white from it. My eyes couldn't focus on the road any longer, a blurry fog in front of me was all I seen. The deeper the breaths I took in, the more my lungs burned for the need of air.    
  
"Look out."   
  
My son and brother's face were the last thing I seen when the truck started flipping over.  
  
 **I hope you enjoyed reading us!**


	3. Provoked

The sight of blood had never affected me before, not even my own. Back in my prime by making my opponent bleed, meant it was just a good fight. When they made me, I reached down deeper to find that inner strength to progress forward. The better they were, the harder I fought.

 

But Rory's blood dripping down her face while suspended upside by the seat belt; took me back to the night of Gabriel’s accident. His bloody face haunted me in my nightmares and while I was awake. Sweat was pouring from my body. As weak as I felt, I kept going to get myself free. 

 

Rory screamed many times in fear and pain as the truck kept rolling over. I never made a sound, I welcomed it to come. With one final long sigh she went to complete silence. Most of my life was lived in silence of the heart.

 

Not having complete control over the movements of my body and no control over loosing Rory either. It was all slipping away from me again right before my eyes. I knew I was back at the same place. How I could get another innocent person hurt and still keep breathing myself? 

 

The seat belt wouldn't come loose as hard as I pulled on it. Reaching in my pocket, I got a hold of the old rusty pocket knife. Once the straps were cut I was laying on the roof of the cab. Kicking out the window so I could get her out of here. Gas smelled prominent and I wasn't sure how much more time we had left.

 

My inner demons were dragging me down deeper to the pits of hell. Deeper into the life I never truly made it back out of when he died. I was so tired of struggling with myself. I lost any part of me I had left. Maybe that's what I really did seek, a way out of life as I knew it today. So I wouldn't have to choose between the life I was walking through or the one I once had with the love I used to feel.

 

_Red cast in the water shined off the moonlight from where I lay on the bank. As my eyes closed and opened repeatedly trying to focus on the scene around me. "Gabriel." There was nothing more I could say, I must have said his name sixty times. But never once got a response from him for the hours I was immobile until we were found. It was too late for all of them except me. I was ejected out of the car at some point. I remember tumbling down the side of the hill in perfect unison with the car so it didn't smash me. They were gone and there was nothing no one could do to save them or me._

_Of course people made such ridiculous statements as; it's a miracle you survived it. Someone up above must have been looking out for you. No one should have been able to walk away without the car rolling over on top of them. The impact from where you hit the tree is unbelievable you have nothing broken._

"They were wrong. I have so many things broken in my life from it still. Rory? Rory, please just say something."

 

Blood was flowing from her head when I got her cut free from the straps. She was still breathing at the moment and I intended to keep it that way.  It was hard pulling her from the confined space on my knees. Glass was shattered throughout the cab and I was dragging her in it. My knees were cut up and I could have cared less about myself. I had to save her.

 

"Shit."

 

The flames were catching up with us. They blazed from the hood and were working their way to the cab. When it reached us the broken glass would be the least of my concern then. Smoke was already consuming the air around us. Pulling my shirt off I let it drape over Rory's face. I was already coughing. With her being unconscious, I couldn't judge her breathing.

 

On my knees I pulled her inch by inch until I thought we were safe from harm. I wrapped my shirt around her head and tied it to slow down the bleeding. There was nothing on this earth that could slow down my torturous bleed. The gash on my leg stung worse when I put pressure on it as I picked her up and started carrying her.

 

"Don't you die on me kid."

 

What a fucking day to leave my cell on the bed. I was cursing at myself for it. I had miles before we reached town again. A couple of times I stumbled along the side of the road but managed to never drop her. When I thought I couldn't go any longer, I found the inner strength to not stop.

 

_"You can do this brother. I will walk it with you, you are not alone."_

The bang on the head I took must of been worse than I originally thought. This was no time for me to have an illusion or to lose my mind. I could have a complete break down after I got Rory help. Gabriel’s voice kept directing me to go.

 

"Now is not the best time for it. But I want you to know I am so sorry for what I did. To you and Rory. If I thought being near me would have brought this down upon her, I would have left it alone."

 

"Damn it, if you hear me Gabriel, answer me."

 

It was proven; I was having a complete fucking melt down. I couldn't hear his voice anymore. I guess I never really did. A car was coming, I stepped out into the middle of the road clutching on to her for dear life. I would beg for help with her if I had to.

 

"Dear god, what happened?"

 

My explanation was brief. The older couple helped me get her in the back seat of their car. As much as I had been through today, the hardest part was still to come. Making the phone call to Debra about her child. I was the one who had to call my mother too. I had to tell her Gabriel was gone.

 

"Do you have a cell phone I can use, please?"

 

A mother's panic stricken voice was on the other end. Through Debra's tears I was having trouble understanding what she was saying. I repeated meet us at the hospital until I heard for sure she understood.

 

Grief, pain and fear does many strange things to your body. You don't always hear things correctly. I was personally experiencing it myself. 

 

_"Just breathe Michael."_

 

"I am going crazy."

 

_"Just breathe."_

"Yep, I am." I rolled the window down to get some air. If I kept hearing him I was going to need more than that though.

 

The kind lady looked back to give me a sweet and caring smile. "You will be okay, we're almost there."

 

She thought it was because of the accident I just had. I didn't teller her it was my dead brother's voice speaking out loud to me. It was in the day time and unfortunately I was wide awake. None of this was just a bad dream; it was real life kicking me in the ass again.

 

They came out with a gurney to take Rory into the hospital on. I was holding her hand until we came to a set of doors and they made me let go of her. The nurse was prying her hand out of mine. I couldn't make myself let go.

 

"We need to get her in here so we can help her."

 

It was the letting go part that was slowly killing me. I wouldn't survive having to let another person slip away because of me. Leaning against the wall looking at the doors Rory was taken though. I slide down the wall until I reached the floor.

 

Debra was running to get her child when they let her through. She left her other daughters with my Aunt. I was a coward; I couldn't make myself look up at her distraught face as she passed by me. Watching one losing a child stays with you for a lifetime.

 

They gave me back my shirt. All I could do was study the blood soaked garment. A nurse said she would bring me something else to put on when she could. I hated having it near me. I slipped it on only because I had no choice. Trying to make myself get up from the floor. But I couldn't when I seen her blood on my hands.

 

Blood was all I seen, seeing all of their faces flashing through my mind and as I watched them die. While I laid on the river bank still taking in life. I thought if I walked away this town and left the family that served as a reminder to me every day, I would be a normal man. But there was no way in hell I could just become and live like a normal man would after the things I had done. I was trying to only convince myself, lying to myself that was the way it should be.

 

There were people around me talking, I could hear them. But I couldn't make out everything they were saying. My head felt light as I finally stood up. I need some fresh air before I got sick in here.

 

Every time I passed by someone they would stare at me with all the blood that was on the front of my shirt, her blood. When I went into the bathroom I looked in the mirror. I had blood on my face and it wasn't mine.

 

Bringing my hand up to my face to wash it away, I saw even more blood on my arms. I scrubbed my hands with soap but nothing would ever wash it away. Feeling so sick to my stomach. It was the same sinking feeling I had many times before. I went to throw up in the toilet. As much as I heaved, nothing ever came. Sitting alone on the cold floor in the bathroom stall just trying to catch my breath.

 

"Get up Michael, I'm here." This time I had flipped out because not only did I hear him. But I could feel him tugging on me to help me stand.

 

"Gabriel."

 

"Jesus Christ, you're delirious. It's Joseph. I'm here for you."

 

But I didn't want him to see me like this and just how weak I truly was. I got up on my own this time and pushed him away.

 

"I'm alright."

 

He followed me outside and wouldn't leave me alone long enough to even catch my breath or to think. After finishing my smoke I went back in and asked if he could just give me some space to be alone. I was wandering around the hospital halls trying to get my shit under control.

 

Walking by a Chapel I stopped. I didn't think begging for mercy on my soul would do any good. But I was going to start admitted some of the wrongs I had done. Forgiveness might not be carried in anyone's heart for me; it was something I still had to do. Flexing my hands into a fist so many times until they were tingling before I finally reached to open the door to go inside.

 

Looking up at the large cross up in the front; I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do or how to do it. I took the pew in the front and sat in the quiet trying to get my thoughts together.

"I've never done this before. But I know Mom must somewhat believe in you. I'm doing this for her because I don't figure you'd waste your time with somebody like me. I already know I'm not worth saving."

 

"I've ruined most of the lives around me in some way. I seem to be a poison whenever they let me in. I never meant to hurt anyone; it always works out that way though."

 

"I could sit here and promise I'll change if you let Rory and my Mom live. We both know that's a lie, because I won't. But I will promise I'll try to be a better man. Maybe if you can just give me and them another chance to live, I can do life the right way this time."

 

Not being able to fight it back anymore. I cried for my son. I was only an every other weekend father to him and really no more. He was growing up without me. For my mother, who doesn't know how much I love her because I hadn't been around or even called her in so long. The kid I harmed today just because she was at the wrong place, with me. My brother I no longer knew and the one I walked to his burial plot.

 

"They have an update about Rory. I thought you would want to know." I didn't even see Joseph was in the Chapel too with me.  Wiping off my face I went to find out if the talk I just had with the man upstairs did any good or not.

 

"She has a concussion and her arm is broken. But she's okay and she will heal from this Michael."

 

"But I won't ever heal from it."

 

"This isn't your fault."

 

They called my name to go to the emergency room to be looked at. I once again managed to escape harm or death. My leg got the worst part of it. The doctor went to give me a shot before stitching me up.

 

"I don't need it."

 

"You might want this, it is only a small sting compared to the pain of getting stitches without it."

 

"Once you're done wrap it up tight. I need to keep the swelling down."

 

"You shouldn't be on it for a couple of days."

 

"If you don't do it doc, I will."

 

_"A good fighter is more than swift and mighty fist. The mind controls the body. If you gain control over it, your heart will following in suit. Once you step through those ropes into the ring, nothing stops you. If you taste the dirty canvas in your mouth because your face has been smashed down in it. Shake it off, spit it out and get your ass back up to fight some more."_

 

The bright light above the hospital bed was my focus when the needle pierced through my skin. Each piece of thread pulled through the wound couldn't compare to the pain I felt earlier today.

 

_"Pain is god's way of letting you know you're still alive. When you go completely numb, is when you need to worry."_

The doctor left the room to write a prescription I already told him I didn't want. I tightened the wrap around my leg. The surgical tape was what I slipped in my pocket as I headed out the door.

 

It wasn't exactly what I wanted to use but it would do. I had one hand completed wrapped in a couple of minutes. Then I did the other.

 

"I need to borrow your car Joseph." As he looked at my hands he shook his head.

 

"I won't be a part of it. Don't do this. Let the police handle it."

 

"You can't stop me from doing it either."

 

As I left the emergency room Joseph was trying to stop me from leaving. Grabbing his hand rather forceful and pulling him in close. 

 

"I'm not in the mood. I don't want to hurt you kid, stay out of my way."

 

"Michael don't be stupid it's not worth it."

 

"Maybe it's not. But I don't think he will do it again when I'm done with him."

 

Joseph agreed to drive me around but not to give me his car. Deep down I think he was hoping our paths wouldn’t cross with his. But my shitty luck was on my side as always, I found the bastard. He wanted a fight, now he had one.

 

A bunch of kids surrounded his big truck. What the fuck was he hanging out with kids for? Probably the only way the pussy could be cool. Get kids to believe his bullshit.

 

“They are trying to recruit teenagers for their cause.”

 

Joseph knew what I was thinking when we pulled up. But I could damn well bet he never thought of what I was going to do next. Before he got the car totally thrown into park, I was out and ready to fight. It had been a long time coming for this shithead.

 

“What seems to be the problem Michael?”

 

“You could have killed her dumb ass.”

 

“Killed who? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“You ran us off the road this morning and left us there.”

 

“I have been with them all day. Isn’t that right?”

 

The boy stood there with fear in his eyes of him. “Yeah.”

 

“Okay, I guess I’m just wrong then, my bad.” I got Joseph to open the trunk for me.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Refreshing his memory. Get the kids out of the way.”

 

It didn’t take the kids long to scatter when I started knocking out his truck windows with the tire iron.

 

“You owe me a truck.”

 

He made a dash to leave. He wasn’t so tough with a one on one fight. “You wanted me. Now I’m here.”

 

Fear is your worst enemy. He knew he better do something to get me off of him so he started swing. His ribs got a series of body shots first. If they couldn’t breathe they couldn’t fight. Throwing combination just like when I used to be in the ring. This was still far from over. He needed to know how Rory felt.

 

After I beat out the windshield with the tire iron, I threw him in the cab. So I could pull him through the sharp and jagged glass. I dragged him out of the truck’s windshield and not in a gentle fashion either.

I watched his limp body fall from the hood to the ground. My foot went in his throat next. He sputtered for air. Then I beat his arm until I was sure I heard a snap.

 

“Michael stop, you’re going to kill him. He’s had enough.”

 

Joseph was the passive one out of my brothers. There was still nothing he could do except back off from me. I shoved him out of the way as a warning.

 

It took three of them to get me off of him. Just because I had him down didn’t mean I was going to stop.  My inner demon was a split second from taking away from him what had been taken away from me, life. The cop had wrapped his baton around my neck.

 

Sure I was going to jail for it. He was still breathing so he should consider himself the lucky one. They had me face down on the ground with cuffs on. I wasn’t certain when the hell they showed up. But there was no use in my trying to deny it; his blood was all over the tape wrapped around my hands.

 

When we got to the police station they fingerprinted me along with the whole nine yards of the booking process. They stuck me in a cell. It wasn’t a place I hadn’t been before. A few hours passed when an officer came and opened the cell door.

 

“You made bail Mr. Petree. You’re free to go.”

 

“By who?”

 

“By me. They set your bail at five thousand dollars. You’re in trouble for assault already. What did you do Michael?”

 

"Thanks for the offer Dad. I would rather rot here than owe you anything."

 

"I bailed you out boy. Your mama doesn't have much time left. What you do from here, is on you."

 

**I hope you enjoyed reading us!**


	4. Still Doing Time

Could he be as cruel to play off my emotions with some bullshit story to get me to do what he wanted? Hesitation kept me planted firmly on the concrete slab sorting out everything in my mind. If he was lying, I would owe him for an eternity and then some. It would be a debt he would hang over my head and no matter how much money I gave him, it would never be paid off.

 

If Dad wasn't wrong, I would have more time in my heart left to do. Just because they ruled it an accident and I wasn't locked behind bars for that anyway, didn't mean I was a free man. The dark cell was securely attacked to me and the four small walls were closing in around me. The decision was made when I voluntarily walked through the steel doors of my cell.

 

The ride to the hospital was quiet.  He never took his eyes off the road, except when we parked the car.

 

"Do you know what you have done Michael?"

 

"What?"

 

"You opened up a shit storm for us to deal with."

 

"I didn't do anything but defend what he did to Rory."

 

"When you leave and we both know you will. The rest of us have to still live here and deal with the after math of your actions."

 

"What will you have to deal with?"

 

The old man never answered my question. He walked into the hospital and did a great job of ignoring me just like he always done.

 

"Well, you look like shit."

 

"Yeah but you should see the other guy."

 

"So I heard. They will retaliate for what you..."

 

"Gene, you should go in to see her. They are going to unhook the machines soon."

 

The old man cut her off in mid sentence. The words kept ringing in my head; they would be unhooking Mom soon. Her end was coming near and no one could stop it from happening. She lost the fight to live; her body was shutting down because it was tired and worn out. The heart was what feed the rest of the body. Hers would stop beating. Mine hadn't beaten the same for years.

 

Each of us had a turn alone to see her, mine was next. I had never been good at having spiritual advice or with what to say at the right time. I was sure my ex-wife would agree with me on it. I did what I thought Mom would like the most. I searched through the stand beside her bed until I found it.

 

"Romans 8:10-11. If Christ is in you, though the body is already dead from sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you. He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies."

 

"If there is a real heaven Mom, you will be there with the angels. They will embrace your kindness, the love you give and your sweet caring soul."

 

"This one was always your favorite. I know it by heart as many times as you said it to me growing up.  Corinthians 13:4-8.  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs."

 

"I failed on most of those things as much as you tried to teach them to me. But it doesn't mean I don't love you and you weren't still in my heart all those years I was gone."

 

Each time the machine made her take a forced breath, it spiked a green mark on the screen. I counted every single one of them and as I thought of an act of kindness she had done for someone. A thousand wouldn't cover this saint's life. 

 

A knock on the door and the old man stuck his head in. "They are coming in ten minutes."

 

"I'll leave."

 

He picked up the open bible I left laying on her bed. A genuine smile crossed his face. Not something you seen from him often. "She lived her life by those words."

 

We all sat quietly in the waiting room until it was time. "I think your mother only held on this long waiting for you to make it home. She loves you Michael, never forget that." My aunt gave me a kiss on the cheek as she left. I felt good and bad for so many reasons because of what she said.

 

The walk down the long sterile hospital hall took me forever to make. No matter how slowly I walked I couldn't prolong the inevitable from happening. They were gathered around her bed. While I stayed   closer to the door way.

 

Each wire the nurse took away from her body shorten the length of time she had left in this world. All the monitors were nothing but a blank screen so we didn't have to witness the precise moment her heart quit beating. As the nurse switched the last machine to the off position, Mom made her first movement since I had been here. Her head went backwards and with a final gasp for air, she had passed on.

 

The look of peace and complete calmness passed on her face. She seemed happier somehow than she had for years. I fought back the tears because I knew she would suffer no more. Even though her body was gone, I looked up at the ceiling. Because she would be up there with Gabriel now.

 

They were consoling each other for their loss. When they reached out for me, I backed away. By now they knew there was no use in pursuing it any farther with me. 

 

Everyone but my father left the room. He never moved from her side or stopped holding her hand. Before I got the door shut, I seen him break down. Maybe she was his only weakness in life.

 

"We are meeting over at the house. Do you want a ride Michael?"

 

"I thought I would call my boss to get my check so I can get a ticket back. I might leave tonight if I can. I need to get back."

 

"You are unbelievable. She just passed away and you're already making your escape plan from here. You really need to man the fuck up and be here for your family. I am tired of chasing you and trying to make us be brothers again. If you want to leave, just go."

 

He was my little brother but somehow surpassed me in the support and showing emotions openly. Of course he was right; I wanted to escape everything about here. If I left maybe I could put some of it behind me again.

 

"You can't leave until you go to court next week because I will lose my bail money. After that, go."

 

My Father's weak time was over. The harsh and direct man I knew all too well, had returned once again. He had a point though. If I didn't stay for court I would go to jail for sure this time.

 

It was against protest but I went to the house with them. They went inside and I was still hanging out on the front porch. Walking through the front door was opening doors from the past I wasn't prepared for yet. I still had a pack of smokes Debra gave me. It was only my third one yet it was becoming a nasty habit for me to enjoy something.

 

"You should probably at least shower and change your clothes."

 

Hell with everything going on today I had forgotten I was still running around in the same thing I wore yesterday. The scrub top the nurse gave me was blood stained too. It almost made me smile he felt the pain he inflicted on a young innocent girl. It also reminded me of my leg. This felt no pain because it was all exploding in my heart.

 

The garage looked like a better place to go than in the house to me. I could find something to tinker around with in there. To keep my mind busy. I tossed the bloody scrub in the trash can. Then I had seen it. The tarp was still draped across it as it was when I left. 

 

_"This will be the sweetest car when we're done with it. Think of all the hot babes it will attract."_

_"We'll do it together Gabriel. If we work on it, we can have it running quick."_

He never got to drive it because of what happened. We set in it after Dad hauled it home for him. The future was what we talked about. I just didn't know his future only held a couple of weeks stretch, and then it would be over. In reality no one knew for sure how much longer they have left.

 

The only good that had come was Gabriel was no longer alone. Mom was with him now. The reunion they must of had today. She grieved for twelve years over him. He walked alone without anyone.

 

"This is for you brother."

 

The old tarp went in the corner. I had to decide where to start on it. This would be good therapy for me too. Since I had to be here, I might as well be productive.

 

It all had to be gone through. I started with the wiring to make sure they all were still making a connection.  I cleaned the plug wires too.

 

"Okay Gabriel, let’s see about this thing cranking up."

 

The battery clicked a few times because it was too low to crank it over. I put the charger on it. After I popped the distributer cap, it wasn't firing from all the corrosion.

 

"Gabriel get...you're not really here and I am talking to myself."

 

I got everything cleaned up and took the battery charger off. That bitch purred loud when I started it up. I managed to salvage something Gabriel loved. I was happy until I seen him standing there.

 

"Boy that's smooth sounds really good. Gabriel loved this car. He never got to drive it though."

 

"Thanks for the insight Dad. You really know how to always make me feel better."

 

"It's late you can stay here tonight if you want to."

 

When I checked my cell, it was after midnight already. I had missed a couple of calls from Robin too.

 

"Out here is fine."

 

"Whatever."

 

After the old man left the garage, Joseph came in. He was alone and wearing old clothes instead of his nice ones.

 

"About earlier, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

 

"You were right. I need to stay here."

 

"Michael the distance between us is..."

 

"Entirely my fault. Are you as good at fixing cars as you are with putting your big brother in his place?"

 

"I'm not bad at it. Do you want a hand?"

 

"You can't sleep either huh?"

 

"I came back to check on Dad and I seen the light on out here."

 

"I wouldn't worry about him. He's a tough old bastard."

 

"He's not as rough and tough as you might think. Life was pretty hard around here on him after you left. I stayed with him when they split up."

 

"Who split up?"

 

"Mom and Dad."

 

"Bullshit."

 

"It's the truth. You can ask Aunt Gene. Mom went to live with her and I chose to stay with Dad. She blamed him for everything after you left. I was just a kid but I tried to take care of him. He didn't have anybody. There were nights he would cry himself to sleep. He lost his job. Life was pretty shitty."

 

Joseph wasn't intentionally trying to make me feel worse but he was. Every life was ruined around me by my actions. With leaving the drain of me should have been gone and forgotten, especially for him. I managed to kill a young boy's childhood and wasn't even around here.

 

"Do you know what it's like to be fifteen and have your Mom yelling your name to see where you are if you are out of her sight for more than ten minutes? Because she is afraid something will happen to you or you will disappear into thin air.  They clung on to me tighter until I had an invisible noose around my neck and I couldn't breathe anymore. It's why I chose a college out of state to get away from them. I haven't been around much the last couple of years. After college, I got married. Now I regret..."

 

"Hey, don't. If anyone has regrets, it's me Joseph."

 

This kid was as much of an emotional wreak as I was. I held him while he cried. It was simply cause and effect of the life cycle. Everything you touch affects another person directly or indirectly and the decisions they made.  

 

"We should get to work on the car. The sun will be coming up soon."

 

Not only was he a smart kid, he was funny too. The longer we spent time together the more comfortable I felt being around him. The past memories were flooding my head; some of them were actually good this time.

 

My cell kept ringing, I pushed the ignore button a few times. We were close to get this thing to run, I didn't want to stop. Joseph had to get home.

 

"Who's calling so early?"

 

"Robin."

 

"You should answer it."

 

"She just wants to bitch about something. If it is really important, she will leave a message."

 

"She's probably calling about Mom."

 

"And just how would she know?"

 

"I called her."

 

"Why?"

 

"For your son's sake. I knew you wouldn't do it. Robin still loves you man."

 

"You wouldn't think so if you knew the truth."

 

"I know the truth. She had an affair. She takes all the blame for the divorce. I'm just not sure you know what the truth is."

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"Come by the house later. I have something to show you.  I gotta go. I enjoyed working on the car. I'll see you later."

 

The walk across town to my aunt's house would do me good. My stuff was there and she would have no problem with me taking a shower. I could have gone up to the door and the old man probably wouldn't have either but, I would have another bad trip down memory lane.

 

You would have thought it could have saved me from dealing with something bad. Of course it didn't though. I dodged bad shit and the worst just kept coming. Debra pulled the car over by the curb.

 

"How's Rory doing?"

 

"She will get to come home tomorrow. I'll give you a ride."

 

History repeated itself through many phases. Rory was at a point in her young life of many adult decisions. She made some wrong ones already. The unborn child she was carrying didn't survive the crash. Although Debra expressed relief with the way she repeated was pregnant many times. It was still another life I was responsible for taking.

 

"Sometimes bad things happen for a reason Michael. Rory didn't know she was pregnant and neither did I. What kind of parent doesn't know your child is out having sex? She's still a baby herself. It's why I ended up married to her father. I was young, scared and knocked up. Doing the right thing isn't always the best thing for us."

 

Even if losing the baby made Rory's life go in a different direction, she would have some serious healing to do from it. I wanted to comment back to Debra and have a conversation about it. But who in the hell was I to give advice on life and I sucked at trying to comfort someone.

 

"Rory is another innocent kid I hurt and her child is on me. I'm kinda tired. Life is dragging me down today. Do you mind if I shower and stay here tonight?"

 

"Sure Michael. I'm sorry about your mom. You know things will get better since you have two angels watching over you now."

 

"Thanks Debra."

 

After the hot shower my sore body felt better, I laid down. It didn't take long for that to get interrupted. Robin was calling my cell then Joseph would take a turn. I chose his call over hers.

 

"We're at Dad's house. Where are you?"

 

"Who is we?"

 

"Robin called me to pick her and Gabe up from the airport when you didn't answer the phone."

 

There was no way in hell my day could go this shitty. Yet it was. I got dressed and walked across town to meet them. Why she came didn't make any sense to me. Unless she was too far away to make me more miserable. 

 

"I brought you something Daddy." Gabe pulled out peanuts along with lent from his pocket he got on the plane.

 

"You're sweet buddy to think of me. I'll save them for later."

 

"Can you give me and Daddy a minute sweetheart?"

 

"What now Robin?"

 

"I brought money for you. Your boss sent two thousand dollars and doesn't want an argument about you taking it."

 

"You went to see my boss. Did you earn it? At least you made this one pay instead of giving it away for free."

 

"I can't believe you would say that around our son."

 

We were both looking around for him. He wasn't setting on the porch with Joseph.

 

"Where's Gabe?"

 

"He went inside to get a snack."

 

"You let him go inside."

 

"Dad won't hurt Gabe."

 

"Maybe not but he can screw Gabe up fucking fast."

 

My franticness seemed highly exaggerated when I witness the way the old man was with my son.

 

"You must be my grandpa."

 

"I am. You must be my grandson. What do you got there?"

 

"The baseball card I collect with Daddy. These are new ones he hasn't seen yet."

 

The old man was searching through the hall closet. He handed a small box to Gabe. "Those were Uncle Gabriel's. You can have them."

 

"Hey, that's my name."

 

"I know. It's a very special name."

 

"Where is Uncle Gabriel?"

 

"With grandma. Come to the kitchen with me. I will get you some milk and cookies."

 

All the strange events I witnessed since I came back couldn't compare. To when the old man held out his hand to my son. I couldn't remember him ever doing that with me.

 

"Oh yeah Michael, your father is a real monster." Robin rolled her eyes just like when I would tell her something she didn't want to hear. She had no idea how the old man really was.

 

From the rocking chair I watched and waited for the old man to do or say something bad to Gabe. I would pounce on him without mercy. It never came though. He even cleaned up the dishes from Gabe eating.

 

"Here Michael. Mom wanted you to have this."

 

It was the family bible. Tucked in the middle was a brown envelope. Mom never missed a birthday of mine. I had twelve cards inside it and one piece of paper folded up.

 

**_My sweet Michael,_ **

****

**_If you're reading this, you came home to me. I might have already passed on but my love for you never died.  When I look at my grandson's happy smiling face it reminds me of you._ **

 

**_I know you are happy where ever you are with your own family now. It brings me joy to know you have found that._ **

****

**_If it's not too late, I wish for my eldest son to deliver my eulogy. Don't make it a sad day burdened with despair. Celebrate the life I had and the new one I will receive once I pass the pearly gates. I want you to have my mother's bible. It is a way to have me with you. I will always love you son._ **

 

**_Mom_ **

 

This was one time I wouldn't let Mom down. Words were never something I was an expert at. But I would do my damnedest to make my mother proud.

 

On the mantel was a photo of me, Robin and Gabe when he was a baby.  All the other pictures she had kept over the years still hurt to look at.

 

"Can I stay here Mommy?"

 

"No, I don't think so sweetheart."

 

It took some convincing to get Robin to leave Gabe with me. I missed him so much. She rented a room for the night. I needed to make our time together count.

 

"Gabe you want some ice cream?"

 

"Yes daddy a whole bunch."

 

As I was dipping ice cream the old man walked in.

 

"You want some?"

 

"Sure I'll have ice cream with my grandson."

 

Of course he made it apparent it wasn't because of me. I might not be here in his eyes like when I was growing up. But at least Gabe didn't see what was actually going on between me and the old man. So I would play along and keep my mouth shut too.

 

They watched television as I tried to write something down on paper for my mother. I must have been kidding myself to think I could actually do this shit. Once Gabe finished his ice cream we walked back to Aunt Gene's house.

 

"You are in time to help me."

 

"Help you with what?"

 

"We are having a small gathering at your Dad's house before a service tonight at the church."

 

"Gabe and I will stay here."

 

"I won’t tell you have to go. I will tell you should go to honor your mother's memory. I'll just wait right here until you go change your clothes. Because I know you will make the right decision."

 

How in the hell could you argue with that? I went and found the nicest shirt I had with me. Nobody bothered to tell me about tonight.  But they informed Robin because she was bringing back a change of clothes for Gabe.

 

We brought enough food to feed the neighborhood. Gabe helped me carry it all in like a little trooper. "Thanks for your help buddy."

 

There wasn't a spot in the kitchen empty because everyone brought a dish too. So many people I didn't remember saying hello and giving their condolences to me.

 

One face in the crowd stood out. Another person I hurt all those years ago. That fucking list was getting longer and longer by the day.  Hell I wasn't even sure she would remember me.

 

"This is my card. You need to be in my office at nine in the morning."

 

"Hi, I'm fine and how are you? Why are you giving me this?"

 

"I was assigned to your case."

 

The girl I left behind was my public defender. Now I know luck really never had been on my side. It worried me with Lily being my attorney. If she was bitter about what I did, would she do a good job still? So I decided to feel out the situation a little.

 

"So how have you been?"

 

"The one I was supposed to marry moved away in the middle of the night without as much as a goodbye or go to hell. I went on to college and got married. Then divorced the next year because he was just another male dick in my life who strived to hurt me. Today I feel sort of bitchy so don't be late for your appointment tomorrow. I am sorry about your mother."

 

If this talk was any indication of how our appointment would go tomorrow, I couldn't wait for it to be over with. I saw Joseph laughing beside me.

 

"What?"

 

"How did that go?"

 

"If I'm lucky, she won't get me the electric chair."

 

"You and Gabe can ride with us to the church."

 

Gabe must have gone outside to play because I hadn't seen him around in a bit. It was standing room only in the house. He was pushing the tire swing around.

 

"Do you want me to push you on it?"

 

He was excited when I set him up on top of the tire. "Just hold on."

 

"Your son looks like you."

 

"He is a good boy. I plan on keeping it that way too. I don't want him to grow up to be like me. Do you have any kids Lily?"

 

"No."

 

While I pushed Gabe, Lily ran her hand over the heart I carved in the tree with our initials. We had big plans back then. Leaving her was one of the hardest thing I had to do. She deserved more out of life than I could have ever given.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow Michael."

 

We rode with Joseph and his wife to the service. There wouldn't be a family night since Mom was cremated. They all went inside the church and I stopped before going up the stairs.

 

People passed me by as I wasn't really sure how to handle this one. This was supposed to be a holy place. Place you came to confess your sins and ask for forgiveness. Somewhere sinners and saints were supposed to be equal in his eyes when forgiven. But when you’re never truly forgiven, you burn in hell for eternity. Some say that hell started here on earth.

 

Ever since I got here it's felt like I've still been doing time where a man can never be forgiven. That only made me think about Gabriel again and the time I was doing for his death too. Reliving all the bad shit in my life. Seeing all the blood on my hands from the things I've done. Going in there meant more to me than just going along with them. But how did I tell them that shit?

 

"What are you waiting on?" Robin must have known by the look on my face.

 

She walked back inside just over the threshold.  "Look you're not going to burst into flames or anything. I'm a sinner too. We will only be here for a few minutes. This is for your mom. So suck it up and get in here."

 

Robin held out her hand for me. "Come on Michael we will do this together too. It will be okay."

 

We took the empty pew in the back of the church. They were all looking at us like what in the fuck are you doing here? You know you don't belong.  To be honest I had no fucking idea what I was doing here or why I was going along with what my family wanted.

 

Dad and Joseph were waiting in line to see the minister. Watching them and how comfortable they were here was amazing to me. My good was still there and I knew it the last I sat in this church. But now, I didn't feel that being a part of me anymore.

 

Joseph motioned for me to join them up front. But everything was affecting me. The loud music playing about rejoicing and letting god into your heart. By letting him in they say you would spend the afterlife in the promise land. I would be going straight to hell.

 

They were all saying prayers that god would have mercy on their souls. Even the slightest whispers they were doing sounded like they were screaming it in my ears. I know I didn't belong in a place like this because I didn't feel I still had a soul anymore. Or maybe because it was one just not worth saving.

 

My body felt clammy and I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach again. It was making me so nauseated like I was about to throw up. When I went to stand up, I was as dizzy as hell trying to make the few steps to get to the door to get the hell out of here. My feet seemed like they were miles away from my body. With every step I tried to take it was an eternity to make another one.

 

If I didn't get away from this and get some air; I thought I was gonna pass out. The breeze blowing on my face was like air conditioning hitting me when I walked outside and felt it.

 

I went to light up a smoke and plopped down on the stairs. I wasn't going back in there. I would just sit out here and wait until they were done. If I was lucky I wouldn't end up passing out. I went to lean my head against the rail of the stairs when I seen something or someone walking towards the church.

 

The closer they came; I could tell it was a person. He stopped in the middle of the field. I wasn't sure who in the fuck it was but I wasn't going take any chances either. Was this the moment they chose to take me on for what I did to their friend. I didn't want to start trouble here but I would not run from it either.

 

The sun was at his back shinning so bright in my eyes. I held my arm up so it would stop blinding my sight. The closer I got to him trying to make out his face. His image was a little distorted to me but in my heart I knew it was him. I had to be seeing shit because I swore it was Gabriel. I think I finally hit that place where they all said I was headed to and lost my fucking mind. I was no longer just hearing his voice. Now I was seeing him stand before me.

 

_"Stop being sad for me and blaming yourself. It was just my time. You need to let me go now. I'll be waiting for you on the other side brother. You got a whole lot more living to do so stop trying to force it. You and Joseph should take a drive in my car, enjoy it for me. Mom sends her love."_

He faded from my sight within seconds before I could say a word. Was he really even here this time? My heart was beating out of my chest. I had no control over my body, it went completely numb. It bought took me to my knees on the ground seeing him again. He knew about what I had done to the car. It was the last sentence he said to me; Mom. All of it together was more than I could take. The tears wouldn't stop coming.

 

They were gathered around the car waiting for me because they all witnessed my pathetic break down. It seemed so real to me. The sympatric looks I got from them said it all. No one spoke to me on the way back to the house. I was grateful Robin suggested Gabe stay with her. She would bring him in the morning. I wouldn't want him to see me differently. That would come quickly enough when he grew up.

 

I was more comfortable being in the garage alone than with them. The words had no trouble coming to me this time. I had them wrote out for Mom. Now if I could just get them out tomorrow. I laid my head down on the cot and thought what someone would say about me if it were my funeral. Not too many good things came to mind. I was ready for this day to be over. I closed my eyes and let my mind rest.

 

It was three in the morning when I washed Gabriel's car then waxed it. After I clean up the garage I showered and changed into a dress shirt with a pair of slacks. Getting my tie right took forever. I headed to town to grab a bite to eat. Only to see Lily sipping a cup of coffee and reading a book at the table in the back.

 

"Do you mind if I sit down with you?"

 

"Yes I do actually. I will see you in my office in about an hour."

 

She wasn't the same sweet girl I once loved. Life and me probably helped turn her bitter. But I bet she didn't realize the favor I did for her back then by leaving. Her life sure would have been even worse if I stayed. I left well enough alone and stayed to myself for breakfast. I threw a tip on the table and went to my appointment time.

 

Not one minute early did Lily call my name either. The office was empty but she made we wait anyway.

 

"I read your file. You assaulted a man, broke his jaw and put him in the hospital for two weeks. What did he do to you?"

 

"He fucked my wife. I came home early and found them in my bed. You can probably fill in the rest of it."

 

"It still doesn't excuse your actions Michael. You could get five to ten years as a repeat offender while still being on probation. Or at the very least serve the rest of your probation time in prison. What happened this time?"

 

"He ran me and Rory off the road. She's just a kid. I carried her bloody body on the highway until a car came along to take us to the hospital. I lost it. I did to him what he did to her. He had it coming."

 

"If you go into court and state those words; he had it coming. With them knowing of your boxing background, you will do time for sure. There can be no more fighting and not as much as cross word said in public for people to hear while you're still in this town."

 

"He still had it..."

 

"Perhaps I did not make myself clear Mr. Petree. I am trying to keep your ass out of jail. So there will be no more fighting, understood?"

 

"Yes."

 

"I know your Mom's service is today. So I won't keep you much longer. But they could recommend a psychiatric elevation. Which we both know you're not mentally unstable, you are just stupid and a hot head. That plea and ploy will not save you this time from jail."

 

"It's not a ploy."

 

"That little sad display you put on at the church last night for symphony needs to stop now."

 

"You really hate me don't you for what I did?"

 

"This is not personal Michael. It is my job to give you the best defense possible."

 

Lily walked down the stairs with me. She was going to Mom's service as well.

 

"I am going to give you a good piece of advice Michael, don't cop temporary insanity this time. Because I think it's just an excuse for why you beat on someone."

 

"You can think whatever in the hell you want to. Last night I thought...never mind. You wouldn't understand."

 

"Then explain it to me."

 

"No matter what I say. You have already formed your opinion. So it doesn't matter."

 

"Oh really, then let’s put it to the test right now. We will find out how insane you really are."

 

Lily invited me to stand on the railroad track. I heard the train's whistle warning blows as I felt the vibration getting heavier on the ground beneath my feet. With my eyes closed I took in a deep breath and welcomed the outcome.

 

"Michael move." I heard her screams and pleas as all the bad shit ran through my mind of what I would be leaving behind this time.

 

Her body pushed mine as we landed on the ground together. The train blew past us before I helped her up. The frightened look over took her better judgment and she saved me. When nothing in this world really could.

 

"You're really not afraid to die."

 

"You can't be afraid of something you've wished for."

 

Lily offered me a ride to the service. But had no more good advice to give me.

 

As we pulled up to the church everybody was making their way into the hall. People were crying and trying to comfort my family already. They had nothing but beautiful thoughts and words about my mother.

 

"Michael I am sorry. I thought you were just using it as an excuse. I should have never done that."

 

"I should have never done a lot of things. Thanks for the ride."

 

"Daddy."

 

"Hey buddy. Why are you wearing a tie?"

 

"Mommy said I had to." I took it off him and undone the top button on his shirt. One of us being uncomfortable was enough. He took the chair beside me. I was even more surprised to see Robin set on my other side.

 

The condolence line was formed. I dreaded getting in it. When there was a death people said things and did things they didn't sincerely mean under a false pretense. Within a few days life returned to normal and they went on about their business. It might be the proper thing to do at the time. But all of that would be forgotten.

 

As Lily came through the line Robin wrapped her arm around mine. I couldn't remember the last time she voluntarily touched me. My instincts said to push her away and don't forget what she had done in the past. My mother would have said; find forgiveness in your heart for her. I was still nothing like my mother.

 

"Who is the girl Michael? I saw you rode here with her."

 

"Someone I used to know. Why in the hell do you care?"

 

It was another form of false pretenses with Robin. I should have known. I was done with this shit, I went outside to smoke and get some air.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

"I'm fine."

 

"I know you Michael and you're not. Is there anything I..."

 

"Do you know what I regret the most in my life?"

 

"No."

 

"Hurting the one person who always had nothing but love for me and what I did to Gabriel. It's best left alone Lily. Trust me; it's for your own good."

 

"Michael, they are getting ready to start."

 

"I'm coming Joseph."

 

People were taking their seats to hear the minister speak. I kept telling myself this was for her and I would make it through it.

 

"Michael has a few words he would like to say."

 

"It is for certain we never truly lose the people we love completely even in death. Their love leaves a lasting imprint on our hearts and lives. They continue to participate and influence every act we are involved in. Through the decision we make, it is as though they were still beside us. Our thought process keeps them alive by the subtle things we do that reminds us of them."

 

"My mother believed in heaven. They were surely waiting for her at the pearly gates to embrace her as one of their own. I didn't embrace her enough or show her the kind of love as I should have when she was still here. Being the wonderful woman she was. She still made certain before she left this world, I had no doubt about her love for me."

 

"She always told me, death is a celebration of life. So we can live on with eternal happiness. Today in a time of mourning, I know she would want a celebration instead. I ask in the moment of silence you remember a good time with my mother and one from your own life. That is the best way to remember her. When life gives you lemons; she always found the sunshine in it."

 

The service didn't linger on much longer. The minister said a few words and it was finally over. We put my mother to rest.

 

"We will spread her ashes this weekend. Are you coming with us? It's what she wanted for her family to be together when it is done."

 

The more I listened to them talk, the more I was convinced I would not be attending that. They were taking a road trip to the spot Mom wanted. Being in an enclosed small area with the old man for a couple of days just didn't appeal to me.

 

Once we got back to the house they all went inside. Not me, I headed out to the garage. I would get Gabriel’s car in great running shape before I left here.

 

"Are you sleeping out here tonight?"

 

"Yep."

 

The old man set down a plate with a sandwich on it and a Coke. That was the extent of our father and son bonding time. But I guess it was better than saying what we really felt about each other.

 

Exhaustion was finally setting in. It was typical of me to keep going until I dropped. It was the only way for me to sleep well for more than a couple of hours. The lumpy cot was good enough for me. When I finally got comfortable, I was out.

 

A ruckus woke me. I could smell smoke from outside. By the time I made it through the garage door, the flames were glowing bright in the night's darkness from the tree in the front yard.

 

The tire swing was where the fire started. A set of leather boxing gloves were almost burnt lying on the ground.

 

"Get off of me you son of a bitch."

 

Two of them were holding on to the old man while the gutless bastard beat on him. It took three of them to hurt an old man.

 

"Hey. You're real bad ass with him. Come do that shit to me and leave him alone."

 

**I hope you enjoyed reading us!**


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